My mother became a Jehovah’s Witness when I was three, left my dad for Jehovah and moved us several hundred miles away from him. Her new congregation almost immediately paired her with a young new brother and within the year, they married. He immediately attempted to get me in line with what he thought a young Jehovah’s Witness daughter should be, distancing me from my real dad and forcing me to refer to him as “dad”, and my real dad as “my father”. My mother was happy to give him the responsibility of financially providing for us and taking care of my discipline. In becoming the submissive wife, she was becoming how she thought Jehovah wanted her to be.
I remember being perplexed at how my mother would just ignore the situation when he made these demands of me. I quickly learned the rules and learned to stop protesting. I learned not to have a preference and that life was easier to just eat the food I was given even if I didn’t like it. I learned to just wear the clothes I was given even if I did not like them, even if they didn’t fit, without protest. I remember crying while I got my hair cut because I didn’t want to have short hair like a boy when I was six but I knew better than to protest, so I just quietly wept while it was being cut and my mother watched without comment. She never even asked me what was wrong.
According to Jim, my stepfather, I was always acting like a baby — I was always standing wrong, sitting wrong, eating wrong and talking wrong. Sometimes it was my mother’s turn to be picked on and he would complain about the meal she worked on all day and made entirely from scratch. It was not what he wanted, it was 10 minutes late, it was not as good as it was the last time she made it. Tears only made him stronger. Spanking was his favorite punishment. He never talked to me like a parent; he only dictated the rules and his expectations.
When I was nine years old, I remember being sick and having abdominal pains. I told my mom how I felt, stayed home from school for a few days and I really tried to not act like a baby, so I sucked up the pains and put on a good face. Eventually, we discovered my appendix had burst for three days before they brought me to the emergency room. I could have died; most people die when this happens. I still remember the doctor reaming out Jim while he was washing up before my emergency surgery. I did not understand everything he was saying at the time, but looking back, I remember him talking about how he was thinking about calling Child Protective Services and reporting neglect. By the way, my mother was a registered nurse at the time this happened, but her opinion did not count and she learned not to push the point when she disagreed to keep the peace.
After my surgery, my life was in danger from the infection that spread through my body. The doctor said in three days we would know, live or die. Obviously, I survived and Jim was very nice to me for a couple of months after that. I think he was afraid I would tell my dad the details of what had happened. I did not understand the severity and so I never did. My mother has tremendous guilt to this day about this incident.
As I grew up, I remember dreading when Jim would come home from work. I learned to keep my mouth shut but I never let him break my spirit. I remember telling my mother that I was never going to raise my children like this. I would never forget how it felt. Jim never changed his methods as I grew. My opinions still did not matter. He interfered with everything, such as my friends in the Kingdom Hall. He used his eldership to monitor my friend’s families and eventually they learned not to invite me because it was inviting Jim to interfere.
Jim was an exception and not the rule as far as headship but the headship rules allowed someone like him to become a tyrant and a bully. It enabled him and fueled the fire. It told us that we had no choice but to accept his controlling dysfunction. Jehovah’s Witnesses’s did not endorse this behavior but they enabled it. Jim was an elder, a leader, an example. Others suspected things were bad at our house but on the surface we looked nice and they chose not too look closely. We had money, nice vehicles, built a new home, nice things, had parts in assemblies, went to quick builds and visited Bethel. We really looked the part. However, Jim was the man, the head of the house and he had the power to make it as twisted as he wanted. He also had the power to influence how the elders saw us by being an elder. Jehovah’s Witnesses created the situation that allows tyrants like him to flourish. I know my story is not the worst one out there. Others had it worse. Somehow, I managed to get away with my sense of self intact.
I went to college and earned a degree in early child development because I did not want my children to feel misunderstood as I did. Going to college was one of the best decisions I could have made for myself. I learned about the world and met people who were very different from Witnesses. I was encouraged to express myself, develop interests and become proactive in the world. I learned how one person could make the lives of others better and about the joy you find upon doing so. Going to college helped to bridge the gap between being a Witness and fitting into the world. It gave me options, a voice and a purpose I did not know existed and empowered me as a person.
When I first moved in with the man who is now my husband, I had this vision of how a woman should be. I thought it was my job to keep the house clean, cook and so on. One day, my boyfriend straightened me out. He pointed out that it was not my job. It was silly — we even worked at the same place. Both of us equally contributed, so why did I feel that it was only my job to keep up the house and cook? What if I had been with a person who just sat back and let me do everything?
Today I am a teacher, committed to helping others reach their potential in life. My mother is still a Jehovah’s Witness, married to another elder after having finally divorced my stepfather after 20 years of marriage. Her new husband is much nicer to her; her former husband is now disfellowshipped. My mother explains that it was Jehovah who finally rooted him out of the congregation. I wonder why a “loving god” would take so long and allow a faithful wife and her three children be treated as second class citizens for almost 20 years, long enough for their lives to be forever tainted by the whims of an unstable leader in the congregation, allowing him to use the Bible and Watch Tower Society teachings to justify his abuse. Really, I know Jehovah had nothing to do with it. After Jim kicked me out of the house at 19 years old, I managed to give my mother a copy of a book written for victims of domestic abuse. It helped her to identify her toxic marriage and enabled her decision to leave him.
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Happy ToB Free is a recovering Jehovah’s Witness.
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September 28th, 2009 at 1:54 pm
This is a touching yet insperational story- that you for sharing it.
September 29th, 2009 at 3:27 am
Kudos for helping your mom. However, I really dislike it when God gets the blame or glory for the actions of people. Your mom accredited God with getting rid of Jim & you obviously disagree. So why would you ask why God would allow this to happen to children? This wasn’t a “God” problem, it was a “Jim” problem.
September 29th, 2009 at 10:53 am
Leah,
It was a JW problem using the name of God as a cover. JW enabled and fueled Jim’s behavior by looking the other way when his abusive behavior was noticed by many in the congregation. Jim was an elder, a leader, an example for others.
I concluded that if removing Jim from my life was done by the hand of God, what took him so long? Why did he wait for me to grow up and allow me to spend my most tender young years being subjected to a tyrant? Where was he? How could this be his plan for children in his special organization?
I do not blame God. I realize that things changed in my situation when we decided to change it ourselves. God did not intervene in any way. I asked for his help on many tearful nights as a young child and I still had to grow up, leave and stay away on my own. My mother had to leave on her own as well.
Today I am an atheist.
October 2nd, 2009 at 2:11 pm
Happy To Be Free:
I wasn’t going to reply, but your story weighed heavy on my heart. I am so sorry that you experienced these things. My husband was raised a JW until he was 8 years old. There is so much about him that I don’t understand and as I’ve learned about the Watchtower Society, I am finding astonishing links between some of his behavior and things I’ve read. It makes me so sad for him. I love him so much and to realize that he’s been treated a certain way makes me ill. Never negate what you’ve been through (you stated that some people have been through much worse) and while that’s true, I believe every trial and tribulation that we go through defines who we are and who we become. The trick is that it is up to us to make that determination. We can become negative and bitter from everything that we endure or we can use it to become stronger and help others. Just to give you some background on me, I grew up in a true christian home. We went to church, knew and believed in Jesus and we were happy and loved…Loved by not only our earthly parents, but our Heavenly Father as well. I was 9 when I became a christian and when I was 16, I started to lose my way you might call it. I was drinking, doing drugs and having sex. Why did I lose my way? I don’t know. Why didn’t God save me from all of that? He did. But I wasn’t listening. He gave me all the tools to make good decisions for my life including FREE WILL. If my life had been perfect all throughout and I never endured any hardships…If God saved me before I ever made a single mistake I wouldn’t be the person I am today. It is not God’s fault that I made those decisions. It would be like me sitting blaming my parents for my decisions. They guided me the best they knew and it was up to me to make the right decisions for myself. Do I wish that I had saved myself for my husband? Without a doubt in my mind…YES! I have seen God work so many times in my life, even when I have chosen to ignore him. As a child you should not have had to go through the things you went through, but my guess is that today you are a phenomenal person b/c of it. I imagine that you are an incredible mother to your children, showering them with love and understanding. I would like to keep you in my prayers. I hope for the best for you and your family.
October 6th, 2009 at 8:14 pm
Heather and others,
Thank you all for your kind words. After bouts of counseling and much self reflection I have been able to come to grips with my past. I understand I am the sum of those experiences and I have learned so very much from them. I do not dwell on them, seldom even talk about it. I think it is important for others to understand that my story is not unusual for children growing up in JW. MANY others have had worse experiences, others had it much better. All I know is this was my story. It happens, it is allowed and there is no help offered to the women and children in this situation.
My feelings toward becoming an atheist took many years to develop and I did not base them only on my childhood. It was a contributing factor. Again, your kind words are appreciated.
December 14th, 2009 at 9:14 pm
Your story is exactly, to the tee, how I live. I pretty much hate my step dad because he’s such a control freak. I’m not allowed to talk to my dad because he’s not a witness, I haven’t since I was 5 years old. I’m 16 now, so still not allowed to till I’m 18. My mom is miserable, she drinks every night until she gets super drunk because she she doesn’t like him. But somehow she won’t leave him, well not allowed to, since he’s not physically abusive, though he’s very emotionally abusive. My sister and I went to the elders about him and they didn’t do anything. It’s a very hopeless situation so I just deal with it. My sister turned 18 in 2008 and moved out right away, moved out and in with her boyfriend, who is wordly, and now she’s getting announced as being disfellowshipped at the Thursday night meeting. So I’m not allowed to talk to her which sucks because grew up with her and she was my best friend. So that’s super depressing. Anyway, thanks for sharing your story, it’s encouraging to know that other people had to go through the same things I do so thank you.
December 15th, 2009 at 1:05 am
Rachael,
I am so sorry you are going through this. Remember, you are only under his control until you turn 18 and get out. You can decide who you are, what you believe and what kind of a person you want to be then. YOU will have the ability to leave the controlled life forever. You need to start your escape plan now. Your sister chose what she needed to and I certainly do not blame her. That is one option you can take. Perhaps she would let you move in with her. Do not forget about college. Talk to the guidance counselor at school and see if there are financial aid options available for you. I went to college using financial aid.
After you leave home you can get in touch with your dad and your sister, and be your own person. I would suggest you make plans for your freedom and keep the peace at home because as you know, it only makes life worse if you do not appear to be listening to your step-dad BUT, never forget you are your own person. He cannot control you forever. He may be able to control your actions now but he cannot control your heart, protect it from him. Do not let him see how strong you really are. He does not know the real you. In 2 years, you will be free if you want to be. 2 years is not very long, you made it this far, you are almost there.
February 11th, 2010 at 6:03 am
Lies Lies and more Lies!
Apostates suck!
Sorry but get a job!
<3 <3 <3
February 12th, 2010 at 2:56 pm
All I can say Spongbob is the ring of truth is what probably bothers you. Face reality. I had no reason to make this up. As a matter of fact, I risked much by telling it, all of us who share our stories in a public way risk loosing contact with loved ones still in…and you know that to be true.
March 4th, 2010 at 4:56 pm
Hi Happy,
I knew a person who grew up with a stepfather elder who sounds exactly like your former stepfather. I am glad that you went to college, saw the world, and are became a productive citizen.
It’s a shame that the world sees us as apostates instead of freethinking survivors.
Many high schools have an alumni webpage. It’s a shame that I cannot befriend my former classmates who are (still) JWs because even though they befriend their never-been JW former classmates, I am off-limits because I’m inactive.
June 3rd, 2010 at 3:08 am
Thank you to get sharing this information. But it really will be actually great to get some additional details!