The year is 1983. Mr. K, a kindly Jehovah’s Witness man and his wife knock on the door of a typical middle-class, suburban home. He doesn’t know that his return visit is about to ask him not to return, that Mr. B has only been being polite in taking his Watchtower magazines and nothing more. But something else is about to happen. A seemingly small event will trigger a drastic shift that will change the lives of that family forever — even two yet-unborn children. It will be a change that will tear the family apart, cause desperation and inconsolable sorrow.
It was the day that changed everything…
Mr. B was closing the door, sighing inwardly with relief. He’d finally had the courage to ask the Jehovah’s Witnesses not to return again. The magazines he’d been accepting for the past several months had only ended in the kindling box for starting fires. He’d not been interested in their preaching but didn’t want to be rude; it wasn’t his style. In a way, he respected Mr. K, who came to his door week after week. If nothing else, he was persistent but that too had grown annoying. Mr. B had always been one to root for the underdog and, after all, Mr. K seemed so innocently happy — there on the porch with his wife — and even though he thought they were a bit crazy he’d not wanted to hurt their feelings. But now he was about to get his Saturday mornings back to himself, his wife and his young daughter. After today, the Jehovah’s Witnesses wouldn’t be interrupting them anymore with messages of Armageddon or gloom and doom.
But could he have imagined what was about to happen, as his little girl curiously squirmed her way into the door just before he could close it? Could he have known that this would give them literally the opening they needed? Could he have known that one day he would disown this beloved child and his yet unborn son because this man’s religion should tell him so? No, that would have been unthinkable to him, but that was all about to change. It would take years but he too would change — their lives would never be the same.
As she wiggled her way through the door frame, glancing up at the strange man and woman, she said, “Daddy, who are you talking to?” And peering up at the strangers she asked in her little voice, “Who are you?”
For a moment, his resolve slackened. He looked down fondly at his child, he couldn’t well close the door on them with his little girl in the way. As he bent down to pick her up and finish his job of closing the door, abruptly the man said, “And what are you going to teach your daughter? What answers will you tell her when she asks about life and our purpose? Don’t you want to be able to give her real answers? Don’t you want to be able to tell her the truth?”
Mr. K. knew this was his last chance to reach Mr. B. He believed that God had given him this opportunity and he must do right by it. Boldly he called a challenge, a duel of theology as it were, and the challenge was this: A debate at their kitchen table in one week. On one side, the family’s Lutheran minister and on the other, Mr. K. and his Watchtower. Then they would see once and for all who had the answers, and what Mr. B. would teach his daughter as she grew.
And so, Mr. K. had his opening, his opportunity, to do what he’d be trained to do all his life. It wasn’t his fault, really; there is no doubt he was sincere. No, he was simply perpetuating a lifetime of indoctrination. After all, who could say what he’d had to sacrifice in the name of his religion?
And so Mr. B. thought he had nothing to lose. He couldn’t deny that the debate would be interesting and he believed it would give him the chance to finally dismiss the Jehovah’s Witnesses gracefully — after his minister made short work of them.
A week later they met. Mr. and Mrs. B. and their minister were grossly unprepared for the Watch Tower warrior they met. A lifetime of training had prepared Mr. K., he was armed and ready with his magazines, books and Watch Tower doctrine. He knew how to overcome objections, and he knew which issues to raise. Of course, the Jehovah’s Witnesses have an answer for everything, even though those answers tend to change over time as they are shown to be false. One could almost feel sorry for the Lutheran minister who couldn’t dodge or parry the quick citation of scripture and the answer of all of life’s big questions as arbitrary as they were. Caught up in the drama of it all, it was Mrs. B. who felt a spiritual awakening. Never had she believed there were answers to these questions. She was hypnotized by the Jehovah’s Witnesses. When the Lutheran minister responded once by saying, “Well that’s an interesting question…” she was furious. How had they let this man lead them spiritually when he knew so little? She was angry that the minister could be so ignorant, and in the end he was asked to leave. The triumphant Mr. K. then began his work.
I do not remember these events firsthand, rather only as they were related to me, time and time again. For many years I felt a swollen sense of pride that I was the instrument God had used to bring the “truth” to my family. It wouldn’t be until years later that I would come to loathe that day and the childish act of innocent curiosity that allowed Mr. K. one more moment at my father’s door. But I don’t begrudge him; in fact, I have fond memories of him and his wife. They would become like family to me and I remember them still even though I was only very young at the time. I realize that they were victims too, but how would I rue that day, the day that was to ruin our lives. For in the end, no one would find happiness. No one.
It was my mother who at first took a keen interest in the Witnesses. The debate had been a turning point for her and she was easily convinced. She began studying with Mr. and Mrs. K. and though my father was still a little reluctant, he joined in too.
We began attending meetings regularly. I still remember sitting in the old Kingdom Hall trying to be good and remain still. I’d stare at people I found interesting, fiddle and do anything I could to pass the time. It was hard for me but I wanted to be good. I knew how important this was to my parents and somehow it seemed natural. I was too young to recognize how much our lives had changed but I also realized that our family were still outsiders in this new group. The uncanny perception of children is a funny thing. Even as a toddler I remember feeling something like jealousy at some of the other families in the congregation. They were like established royalty and my family were just fledglings. Of course, at the time I couldn’t have understood those words; it’s only in retrospect that I can articulate my feelings then, and now I’m amazed at it.
Our lives took the shape of the typical Jehovah’s Witness routine of studies, meetings and service, and I accepted everything without question. Again, I was simply too young to understand the dramatic change that had taken place. My mother was baptized first and I remember it being a big deal. I didn’t understand then; I just knew that everyone was happy and so I was happy too. At the time, she was enormously pregnant with my little brother.
I wouldn’t know until later that my father had been really struggling with the Witnesses. He wasn’t baptized until several years after my mom and I remember being so proud of him when he finally did. Looking back, I realize that was an interesting shift — being ignorantly happy for my mother at her baptism but then feeling something close to condescending pride at my father’s. In only a few short years, it seems I had been caught up in the Watch Tower’s indoctrination too. My dad explained that smoking was his crutch and that’s why he took so long to be baptized; apparently he used to sneak out into the parking lot during the song to have a cigarette. It still makes me laugh to imagine that. But to this day I don’t know what the truth is. Was it just smoking or was it something more? I find it hard to believe that my dad was that weak. Smoking is a hard habit to quit but I’ve always known my father to be a strong, resolute man. I can’t imagine that he would let a habit stand in the way of something he wanted to achieve. He’d overcome so much in life and had more share of tragedy than most of us can imagine, but that is another story. I doubt I’ll ever know what his reasons were for sure, only that I believe my father took more convincing than my mom. She is a sweet, emotional being and my father is an intellectual all the way. I believe that in the end he succumbed to pressure of conformity and years of indoctrination. I believe that finally he let himself be moved where the currents led him, finally embracing it and convincing himself it was his own.
By the time my dad was baptized I had two little brothers. Life seemed normal and happy, although I was aware now more than ever that our family still wasn’t as established in the congregation as many others. I was relieved that my dad was finally baptized but was still sort of conscious of my friends whose fathers were elders. Looking back, I think it’s remarkable that a young child can perceive and be affected by an unspoken class distinction within the congregation. There was nothing that I wanted more than to be accepted among my friends and, too, for my family to be accepted within the congregation. What could be more natural?
Life continued on and school became more difficult for me, not because of the studies but because I had a very hard time fitting in. I was very vocal in defense of being a Jehovah’s Witness and even tried to have Bible studies with some of my classmates. This did not win me a popularity prize. The other Witness kids seemed to keep more low key on the topic of religion, and they were more self-assured and even popular. While I was constantly picked on, teased and bullied, they distanced themselves. I was miserable. Outside school we were the best of friends but I was abandoned again on Monday morning. Their on-and-off friendship left me confused, frustrated and unsure of myself.
My brother and I - taken when I was 6 and he was 3.
My younger brother, the middle child, also had a very hard time in school, even more so than me. As much as we didn’t really get along, my heart still broke for him when he was bullied. It was just agonizing the way students and even teachers would treat him. They seemed to rally around an oddball and we were nothing if not that in their eyes. All the while, we were praised at home for our martyrdom at school. Life was a roller coaster — on one hand we were loved and admired, and on the other we were despised.
I still remember a little boy named Jesse. I had a crush on him all through elementary school. It was the simplest thing — puppy love — no rhyme or reason. He’d never paid me the slightest attention but he’d never been mean to me, either. Maybe that’s why I liked him so much. I would pray for him before I went to sleep, begging over and over again that Jehovah would let me witness to him so that he wouldn’t die at Armageddon. A few times, I sobbed myself to sleep, so afraid that he would die. I did try to witness to him at school but he’d just look bewildered and run away to play with his friends.
It seems that around this time I began asking myself questions. Would Jehovah really kill everyone who wasn’t a Jehovah’s Witness? I’d think of my aunt, whom I loved very much. She was not a Witness and I knew from conversations between her and my parents that she was opposed to the religion. I was desperate for her, afraid that she too would die at Armageddon, and again I turned to prayer and begged that Jehovah would help her see the truth so that she could survive the “end of the system”. For her, I would cry myself to sleep more times than I could count.
These thoughts made me feel so desperate and alone. I couldn’t make sense of it and it seemed so unfair. Why couldn’t Jehovah see what good people there were in the world? There were a million reasons why they couldn’t understand that the Jehovah’s Witnesses had the “truth”. Why could God be so cruel and kill them all? I was probably on 10 or 11, and yet for the first time the weight of my “knowledge” was beginning to feel oppressive. Many, many times i wished to myself that I had never known about the Jehovah’s Witnesses. If we simply hadn’t known or had the opportunity to know the “truth”, then Jehovah would just judge our hearts. Then we wouldn’t have to live with the terrible knowledge and fear that we did. As a young woman, I longed for ignorance. And it wasn’t until many years later that I would come to appreciate the cliche “ignorance is bliss”.
The desire to fit in and be accepted drove me forward into my teen years. My father had been appointed a ministerial servant and our family became more and more established in the congregation. I learned that the best way to make my parents proud of me and to make friends in the congregation was to be “more spiritual”. But in my heart I always found this a struggle. As hard as I tried, I always felt that I could never do enough or that I was too selfish or that my heart wasn’t in it. Despite outward appearances, I feared that I would not survive Armageddon, that Jehovah would know what a wicked person I was in my heart. Sure, I went in service often, even getting pioneer hours before I was baptized, having parts in assemblies, conventions and even the drama. But I admit that I thrived on the praise and admiration that came from those accomplishments. I wondered if it was the gratification I sought, as any human being would do. We want to be thought of well by others. I wanted to know that my parents were proud of me. I wanted to be an inspiration to others and, of course, everyone wants to be popular.
It was all a double-edged sword, though. The more I did, the more I began to question my own motives. Was I really doing this for Jehovah or was I doing it for me? I had to acknowledge to myself — if no one else — that I reveled in the attention I received, and with that knowledge I became plagued with guilt.
At 17, I was one of the last of my friends to get baptized. My dad was now an elder and I admit that I was afraid of falling behind and being the only one of my peers who hadn’t taken the dip. I wanted to make my family proud. At that age too, hormones were raging and there was fierce competition between the young men and women to nab a date/mate. And for a Jehovah’s Witness, the desirability and eligibility of a potential boyfriend/girlfriend was all about status in the congregation.
In spite of all that, though, I was still sincere in taking the step to baptism. I hoped beyond hope that it would bring me closer to Jehovah. There was always this elusive concept of “making the truth your own” and having a “personal relationship with Jehovah”, but no matter what I tried it seemed that was unattainable for me. Pray as I might, I always felt sinful and wondered if God listened. I always felt alone. I was always afraid.
A month or so after my baptism, I was out in service with one of our congregation’s regular pioneers. I was auxiliary pioneering myself, and I was finding it difficult to get my time in. The days were so long and unfulfilling, and downright depressing. The pioneer sister and I were walking down the very steep driveway of the last not-at-home and she said to me, “I’m always afraid that I’m not doing enough for Jehovah. At judgment day will I be able to answer that I’ve given him every moment of every day that I could to his work?” I can’t remember anything else from our conversation but that. I remember the panic rising in my chest. This was a woman who spent nearly every waking hour in service or study and she was afraid that she wasn’t doing enough! I was suddenly very afraid. I thought that if Jehovah would judge me next to someone like her I would never survive Armageddon. For the first time, I felt hopelessness. I felt that no matter what good I might do in Jehovah’s service that at times I had selfish motives. For the first time, I felt way out of my league. I felt like this religion that I had been raised in was suddenly alien to me. I have never felt fear like that before.
Unbeknownst to me, that too was a turning point. I tried to devote myself even more to developing that elusive “personal” relationship with Jehovah. I spent more time in service, was very sincere in my personal study and tried to help out where I could, even filling in, impromptu, in the Theocratic Ministry School. For months, I desperately sought to make the truth my own. But I was never to succeed.
I believed what I had been taught, but I was constantly afraid. I always felt that I was sinful and that Jehovah was not blessing me with his spirit. I felt that my efforts were never good enough, never unselfish enough. I became depressed and then certain events would happen that would change my life forever.
I went to the elders because of my relationship with my boyfriend. What would seem perfectly natural behavior to any normal person left me emotionally torn. Of course, there had been kissing and a little touching but nothing beyond that. I was afraid, though, that this behavior — that my sin — was what was holding me back from a clear conscience and a relationship with Jehovah.
I drove to the Kingdom Hall alone on a Wednesday evening to meet with three elders in a back room. They sat at the front of the room, in three chairs facing me. I sat alone, feeling very small and suddenly very afraid. I came to confess myself to them and to seek their help and counsel, the words of the pioneer woman still ringing in my mind. Although my palms were sweating and my voice was shaky, I was desperate for these men to help me. I expected to confess what I had done, talk to them about my spirituality and ask for their help and advice. I was prepared, even though afraid of any punishment or reprimand I may receive, but to me it was worth it to be able to clear my conscience and move forward.
What happened was not what I expected. The session evolved into nothing more than an inquisition. After first trying to explain why I had come and what I was hoping for the three elders were more interested in ascertaining the specific degree of my sin than in helping me recover from it. Two of the elders I’d known for many years but the other I didn’t know well since he was new to the congregation. One was very dear to me. I’d grown up with his children and he’d been the one who baptized me. Confessing before them was the hardest thing I’d ever had to do. While he was very kind to me, the others insensitively probed deeper for information. I’ve never spoken of this before, but it felt near to rape and so what I’m about to relate is being said for the first time aloud and only for the benefit of others.
These are exact questions that were asked to me — I remember them as if I were watching a video replay: Was the kissing limited to the mouth or were any other body parts kissed? Was the touching over-top or underneath the clothes? Did you ever take off your clothes so that he saw you naked? Did you have oral sex? Does anyone else know about this other than you and your boyfriend? I answered all the questions truthfully, even though I was terrified at discussing the subject with these men. I wondered, Has it not been enough that I came to them to confess and seek spiritual healing? Why do they have to root through these filthy details? Why aren’t they helping me? I need to talk to them about my spiritual welfare. I’m afraid!
After the elders finished questioning me, they asked if I was repentant. Of course my answer was yes — that was why I came to them. I tried to tell them that I was looking for their help but I was cut off and asked to leave the room for a moment.
After a few minutes, I was asked to return. I sat there as though a jury were about to read a verdict. The elders of my judicial committee had determined that my sin was not too great and that I was repentant. I was advised that I cease my relationship with my boyfriend and since no one else knew about our actions it was decided that I receive private reproof. They read a few scriptures and then told me that my privileges of pioneering and answering at meetings were to be removed for a time. Then I was dismissed and that was that. I walked out into the parking lot alone and sat in my car for a time before I could clear my head enough to drive.
The months went by and I was desperate to find some meaning and healing in what had occurred. I accepted my reproof without question and without grudge but I still longed for someone to talk to to help me spiritually. I remained noticeably silent at all the meetings while putting in more time than ever for personal study.
Then it all began to happen. I was just 18 and had moved out on my own for the first time with another Witness girl who was a friend of mine. I began to see behavior that shocked me beyond anything I could have imagined. My friends, sons and daughters of elders, ministerial servants and pioneers, people who I’d held in the utmost esteem, were showing their true colors. The only thing that had changed, mind you, was my proximity to them. Now that my world wasn’t sheltered by a curfew I saw much more of them. I was horrified. I saw or learned that drinking, drugs, sex and more were common among my friends. What a goody two shoes I had been! How had this been going on? How could Jehovah let this go on so rampantly and unchecked in his congregation? How could I be treated the way I had been when this was happening everywhere around me? I was devastated. I was disgusted.
I went to my dad and talked to him about what was going on. My intention was not to be a tattletale but I loved these people and didn’t want to watch as they threw their lives away. It was a difficult decision to come forward — I felt like I was betraying them but I also felt that maybe Jehovah was testing me.
My dad was very concerned. I told him that I didn’t want my friends to know where this information came from if it could be helped but that I cared about them too much to be silent. I had in mind my own spiritual crisis and didn’t want to be silently responsible for someone else’s. He spoke about it with the elders at their next meeting, and it seemed to be taken seriously. Since it affected people from more than one congregation, a body was appointed to deal with the matter. But what happened next would forever shake my faith in this organization that claims to be led and kept clean directly by God’s own Holy Spirit.
The city overseer’s daughter was implicated but a scandal in that family was not to be tolerated. It was all swept under the rug. And the behavior continued and actually intensified. Lies were told and I was scorned. I knew deep down that I cared for their spiritual welfare but I also wanted justice. The hypocrisy was unbelievable. Even my dad was shocked and said that we’d have to leave it in Jehovah’s hands.
As months went by, I began to see that hypocrisy was not limited to my little social sphere. I distanced myself from my former friends and began to seek relationships with some of the older sisters in the congregation. But what I saw and learned there would continue to dishearten and disillusion me. Everywhere I looked there were cliques, snobbery, cheating husbands or wives, drug use — the works. It seemed there was no safe place and so I began to isolate myself. I prayed harder than I’d ever prayed before when one day the question finally came to me: What if it’s not the “truth”? What if this is no different than any other religion that thinks they’re right? For all their high ideals, what if they are no different than people in the world — no less selfish, corrupt or sinful? Though I allowed myself to ask these questions for the first time, I was still afraid. As if two little people whispered from my shoulders, “What if they’re right?” and “What if they’re wrong?” I simply didn’t know anymore.
I still went to meetings, though it became more and more difficult for me. I couldn’t stomach the open hypocrisy, which seemed to be all around me. I was no surely no saint but I was trying!
Since I’d moved out, I was in different congregation than my parents. I missed one meeting, then two. No one seemed to notice. I didn’t feel any different at first. After a couple of weeks, I let myself ask more questions and this time I gave them serious thought. How did I know that the Jehovah’s Witnesses had the truth? I had always taken it for granted; that was how I was raised. I remembered a lecture from a teacher in high school who, in a study on society and behavior said, “We believe the reality that is presented to us.”
Then it all hit me like a ton of bricks. Was this simply the reality I had grown to know? Were the Witnesses any different from, say, the Mormons? I knew at that moment that I needed to find the truth for myself. My parents had the choice to become Jehovah’s Witnesses; they had lived and experienced life and something that the Witnesses said had made sense to them. They were able to make it their own because they chose it. I’d never had that opportunity. I became determined to look at my religion with new eyes, pretending I’d never heard it before. I wanted to be converted. I wanted to chose my religion. I wanted to make it my own.
At the time, I saw this as a crisis of faith and believed that this approach would help me become convinced and heal spiritually. I went back to the meetings. With the perspective of an outsider, imagining what it would be like to hear this all for the very first time, I was utterly surprised at what I felt. I began reading the Bible from the beginning, again as if I’d never set eyes on it before. That was the beginning of the end of my faith. The meetings sounded more and more like propaganda. I began to notice the broad claims and unsourced quotes made in the Watchtower.
I remember clearly the last meeting I ever went to. I slipped out after the public talk during the song. I was sick to my stomach. It was like I had had an epiphany. I realized, listening to the brother give the talk, that my high school teacher had been right, that we believe the reality presented to us. I knew in that hour, listening to the public talk, that had I never been raised to believe this religion, I never, ever would have. In that moment, I decided that I was through being a Jehovah’s Witness. I would honor my values and seek truth but I seriously doubted this was it. Yet I was terrified, terrified of losing my family and friends — but was that a reason to live a life of hypocrisy in a religion I didn’t believe?
As I walked out of that Kingdom Hall for the last time, it felt as if I were standing at one of life’s great crossroads. If I left now, I knew I left for good. I would not be one of those people who flip-flopped in and out of the religion. I would lose my family. I would have to say goodbye to everyone I’d known and loved my entire life. But by now I’d had enough. I was ready to walk away from the Watch Tower and not look back. I drew inward on strength that I didn’t know I had and made myself walk swiftly and surely to the exit. I still remember the sound my feet made on the tiles. It felt like I was in a vacuum, my ears ringing, my breaths ragged. When the door closed behind me the fresh air hit me like never before. I was afraid but was committed to my course and felt the lightheartedness of freedom for the first time. I came near to weeping with relief.
Today, one of my favorite poems is by Robert Frost. In the poem he talks about two roads that lay before him and having to choose which one to take. He knew that he’d likely never have this choice to make again and so in the end, he chose the road less traveled. Frost finishes the poem with the words, “and that has made all the difference.” I still get shivers when I read it. To me the road less traveled is the more difficult road; it is uncertain, unknown, it may be dangerous and you’ll likely travel it quite alone. But I look back at that day — the day I made my choice — and am relieved beyond words that I made the choice to take the road less traveled. I feel like I was given a new chance at life that day. There was to be much pain and sorrow along that road and yet choosing freedom and integrity has made all the difference.
I got on with my life, making new friends outside the congregation. I moved out from the house I shared with the other Witness girl. I tried my best to fade from the congregation. I didn’t want to be disfellowshipped because I knew I would lose my family. But as the months went by, I was making a new start of my life. I began seeing a young man I’d known in high school and eventually we moved in together. As young as we were, he was very understanding of what I was going through and we often talked about religion. I’d put the Watch Tower behind me and was seeking knowledge elsewhere. Then began my comparative study of other religions.
About six months after my last meeting, I received a phone call from one of the elders that had been on my judicial committee about a year earlier. He had learned that I had moved in with a “person of the opposite sex” and wanted me to meet with him and some other elders to discuss my spiritual health. He said they wanted to help me. This time I knew better. I declined.
A few weeks later, I came home from work on a Monday night and my boyfriend told me there was a message for me on the machine. It said, “since you have refused to meet with the elders, it will be announced at the service meeting this Thursday that you are disfellowshipped from the Christian congregation. If you’d like to appeal this decision you may call to arrange a meeting before Thursday.” Click.
I listened to it a few times, pressed delete and began to cry. I wasn’t sad, I was angry — very, very angry. They couldn’t just let me go, let me fade away — they had to pursue me. They were taking my family away.
It was 1999, a Thursday. That day, I lost my parents and two brothers. I lost aunts and uncles and cousins. I chose to leave a religion because I did not believe it. As a result of my choice, my family who are Jehovah’s Witnesses shun me. It’s what they’re taught to do. They will not visit me. They will not meet to have a coffee. They will go out of their way to avoid me. I have not even laid eyes on most of my friends and family since before that day. My brothers practically grew from boys into young men before I’d lay eyes on them again.
My family says I betrayed them, that I chose to leave them. But nothing could be further from the truth! They have cried and yelled and sent guilt-ridden letters. They tell me that I have the power to change it all, and all I have to do is return to the religion and we can be a family again. They say it doesn’t matter why I come back as long as I do. What is that if not emotional blackmail? And yet it’s not their fault, not really. This is how they’ve been trained to think. I know it’s not who they are, deep down in their hearts.
I’ve loved them all my life and wanted nothing more than happiness for us all. But in the end, I was true to myself — I would not live a lie, I would not condone hypocrisy. I would not give up my freedom to a religion I believed to be false, and a religion that held my family hostage in such a way. It’s an impossible situation. In order to have religious freedom and personal integrity, the religion demands my family as its price. In order to know my family again, I must sacrifice my freedom to a hypocritical religion. I know they choose not to understand that — they couldn’t possibly understand that— yet I ask, how can anyone impose faith and religion as the price of their love? I love them regardless of the beliefs — unconditionally, but their religion has taught them judgment and cruelty, both to themselves as well as others.
My father is now gray and my mother is often ill. I rarely hear their voices and I can’t remember the last time I saw them. It’s agony. I know it’s been the same for them and yet they are the ones with the choice and power over our relationship. My arms have always been open to them. Theirs came with the condition of faith and, in my mind, faith is something you simply cannot fake. My youngest brother, while never baptized, has also left the religion. He came to me when they turned him out, and our reunion gave me the most joy I’ve known in these last 10 years. My other brother is very devout, and I know little more of him. He won’t speak to either of us now.
My Aunt and I together, the winter of 2007 in Whistler, BC.
Through all these years I’ve had my aunt, the one I used to pray for. She’s been there for me unconditionally, through thick and thin and all the worry I’ve put her through. Of anyone I’ve known or loved in my life, she has taught me what unconditional love is. While I love my mother and will always mourn her, my aunt has been more of a mother to me when I needed one most. For that I will always be grateful and she will always have the most special place in my heart.
I don’t resent my parents or love them any less. If it’s possible, I love them even more. Perhaps I’ve had enough time and distance to idealize my relationship with them. I love my mother, who is in all other ways a kind, generous and very compassionate woman and I admire my father who I’ve always believed is one of the most brilliant and interesting men I’ve ever known.
I miss them every single day. Sometimes the pain is more than I think I can bear. I grieve for the loss of them to a religion that forced them to choose. I’m angry that they made the decision they did. Yet sometimes I wonder if it’s really not the best for them now. After all these years, what kind of life would they have if they suffered what I suffered? It took all my strength and most of my 20s to recover this much. Wouldn’t it be cruel to put them through that now? And yet its hard not to be selfish and want them to leave the religion. I miss them so much! I know they miss me too. My dad once told me that he keeps my picture in his wallet and cries every time he looks at it. I’m told my brother feels like he’s been cheated out of having his sister. I understand he’s quite angry at me and sometimes cries. My mother told me that sometimes she pretends I’m dead and gone and that helps her to cope, and when that doesn’t work she takes a prescription.
I’m sure that their God is well pleased.
It’s been 10 years. I have studied many, many religions. I’ve read the Bible cover to cover several times. I’ve reread many of the Watch Tower publications, checking sources and the historical record. I now believe without a shadow of a doubt that the Jehovah’s Witnesses are a highly controlled cult group and are not a true or even valid religion. My heart aches for them — for my family and long-lost friends and the Watch Tower’s many other victims. But for all that heartache, there is simply nothing I can do. If any Jehovah’s Witness should ever read this account or come across any scrap of critical material, they have been conditioned to regard it as something under Satan’s influence. Tell me, what can fight against such a perfect impenetrable shield to logic?
Moxie - Summer, 2009.
What helps me get by is helping people. When you are faced with an impossible situation, when there is nothing you can do to improve your own situation, what could be more natural than to try to help someone else? This is where I find joy, happiness and fulfillment — in knowing that my experiences can be put to good use for others. To know that you have made even a fraction of a difference in someone else’s life, gives you a kind of vicarious joy that you would otherwise never have known. This is where I have found healing. I have had to resign myself to the knowledge that my family will never be the same, that there is simply nothing to be done. Though I let them know that I still love them and am always here if they need me, I know nothing will ever change — things are too far gone. But for others there is still time.
The faces of my family and friends still haunt my mind — memories of childhood and better days long gone. Some days, I’m resigned to the loss of them. Other days I want to fight for them tooth and nail. And sometimes I just cry, recalling that Saturday morning in 1983 when a little girl pushed through the door and asked, “Who are you?”
—
Clock Image Credit: H. Koppdelaney (flickr)
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September 28th, 2009 at 2:48 pm
Moxie- That was one of the most touching and sad stories that I have ever read. Thank you for sharing such a heart breaking story. You have real courage.
September 28th, 2009 at 4:16 pm
Moxie, I’m lost for words to be honest. Thank you for sharing your story.
x
September 28th, 2009 at 6:04 pm
I couldnt wait to read the magazine. I just left the WT emotionally myself just 4 weeks ago so I am still in shock and I go from doubting the WT to doubting my own logic and intelligence. Thats why I come back everyday for some information to stregthen my new “faith”. Definetely these websites have helped me endure my own trials, for that I am deeply in debt with you and all of the people who like you have given your time to us.
I feel at the same time in a desperate need to help my large family of JWs to see the light but I have been learning by talking to so many X-JW of the almost impossible task to do that. However is not that impossible. I am an Systems Analyst and my job is to analyze everything
and find out why the things dont work and how to make it better, so the same happens with helping current JW’s to get out of it. It is possible since I am out and you are out and a lot of people are out on their own. So its just a matter of finding what got us all out, how we manage to get that in our heads and enable the JWs to do the same. However the main obstacle here is that they cant allow any of this information inside their brains because its against the RULES, its bad, its from satan…. That is unless, unles they could have a valid reason to 1st research the information themselves, create questions that would need an inmediate answer rather than the regular “Wait on Jehovah”, and then allow them to find the information themselves.
I know that is a big task, but with a little bit of thinking and reasoning can be achieved.
I have noticed many, many JWs who browse to the forums to defend the religion themselves. They are in the forums already which is very good. They already starting to think by themselves, the problem is that their “natural instict” is to defend “the truth” since they already have it. It is as if they needed a website for current JW defenders where they can feel comfortable in a place where their faith doesnt feel attacked, where they dont feel fear. Rather empowered where they on they own account can research if they want the actual information.
I know it because thats how i felt. Just 4 weeks ago I was a defender, although i was out for 14 years already. I was afraid of going to any website that would attack the WT, i would always avoid the youtube videos talking against the WT. I love Lance’s videos but they were not the first ones that i watch, why? because his beard scared me, made me thing of this crazy apostate who now even has gone so far as to look like a “worldly” man eventhough he had been in Gillead. (his videos are fantastic, but they werent “JW’s friendly”enough for me to watch) they didnt look safe from their picture. The same thing for any other website that has flames or dark images or presented as a devilish thing, even that those websites had real good information.
However Moxie your websites along with freeminds.org have a very friendly appearance, even your videos, good clean design they make you feel comfortable. At least you feel the information is not that crazy. One thing I must say is that although i love all of these websites and the information is great for someone who has already doubts (10%) they are still a NO-NO for current JW’s. If only there was a website that could make the JW at least 90% comfortable where they could find interesting facts without attacking the WT or the religion it would allow them to stay longer and research deeper.
I know it from my own experience. If I had found a website that would present the facts without any bad experiences, in a very inquisitive way. withouth any attacks to doctrines and practices, rather a website that would start the self-thinking process where the readers would start questioning themselves then I would have come to my conclusion faster and would have allow me to go to the “dangerous” websites and videos faster.
I just went yesterday to an X-JW meetup group and I found something fascinating, that depending on the year or period they were Disfellowshipped they had a similar path in their beliefs. What I mean is the people who have had access to more information (like know we have the interenet and access to numerous books) are more likely to change faster but lean more towards becoming either Atheist or Agnostics, and they people who only were able to investigate the WT they still belive in God. Is this a fact or a trend? Because in my case since we have now so much evidence First I started challenging the WT teachings, then I moved to the NWT then to the Bible itself, then to religion and now the idea of God. While other X-JW that were disfellowshipped long ago or had access to less information tend to belive in God or Jesus.
ANyway maybe I am off topic now. So if you feel i am move my comment to whereever you seem fit. Thanks again for your time i really appreciate it. I also have been thinking of starting a website in spanish because there is nothing that I could find would really help the world of spanish JWs. and they few they are out there would scared them more than attracting them or have false information and do more damage than good.
Keep up the good work.
September 28th, 2009 at 6:48 pm
Wow, I have known you for 8 months, but I didn’t know the whole story. It’s very emotional and painful to read what you’ve gone through, but it’s also a story of strength and freedom. I’m going through a similar experience, and this helps me to have hope that it’s not the end of the world, that there is a cost for freedom. But it’s not you to blame, but rather, the cult who has taken over their own personalities and identities. You are a true inspiration for us. Thank you for sharing your story.
September 28th, 2009 at 8:46 pm
Heartbreaking story. Thank you for sharing it. Magazine is a GREAT idea.
September 28th, 2009 at 10:09 pm
Your story is so much like my own, and probably many others. Thank you for sharing. ((((((( Moxie )))))))
September 29th, 2009 at 1:28 am
Moxie, a powerful, heart-breaking story. My heart bleeds for you and your family. We are all victims. I shake my head when I contemplate the tragic waste of such beautiful and natural relationships. I know all the reasons for the phenomenon but I still have difficulty wrapping my head around how family members who can love so much can lock that love away and throw away the key.
Thank you for all that you do – your website is fantastic and this magazine is incredibly professional – I am sure that it will help many. As others have said, you are an inspiration.
September 29th, 2009 at 3:01 am
I have just read your story Moxie, and you have geat courage and honesty to share with us. I have sent a personal message to you as I have some things to share with you that may just help with your recovery and healing of the emotional pain and grief that you have to cope with.
I does help to share our feelings and experiences. We find that we are not alone.
We are all going through our journey of growing and learning over the years.
You have many gifts to share and your magazine will be a blessing to many readers.
We share your heartbreak too. Who can understand the pain of being shunned except those of us who have been shunned?
One day the reason for our fate will be revealed to us.
Good comes out of bad. It may seem unfair and cruel at the time. Later on things will become clear and we will see why and what it all means.
But right now, helping others will help you to cope.
You have all my empathy and love
an ex J.W. and new friend
Rhona
September 29th, 2009 at 4:09 am
Thanks for sharing………I can relate to alot of things that you have talked about…Hypocrisy…Other witnesses doing drugs, sex, excessive drinking, and smoking. I was never really accepted by the popular witnesses, and I always felt like an outsider.
It was 30 year ago when I left that crap, and now it has gotten it grips on me after all this time…..my mother who is still a JW, has NOW begun to shun me after all these years! I am still trying to find out what has happened! I pretty sure that the WT had something to do with this…..I will let you know when I find out!
Thanks again – Gary
September 29th, 2009 at 6:10 am
Dear Moxie. I read and I cried. Your story is very much similar to mine, though I was disfellowshipped for apostacy when I was 29, I’m blessed my mother saw the light as well. The rest of our family are still trapped. Thank you for sharing your story.
September 29th, 2009 at 8:26 am
I had to take time away from the magazine and this story because of the stuff it brought up in me. I empathized with so many parts of your story. I wanted to both reach out and hug you, and yell at the hypocrites in those congregations and the JC. I broke down at certain words that were said to you by family.
This $*@#!&*^ cult is sickening with how they twist people’s lives.
I admire your integrity, reflectiveness and yes—sincerity. I think that’s what made you different from the rest. Either they’re mechanical, or naively ignorant, or unfortunately, a lot of them are just posers after status. But your genuinely trying to do what’s right. That’s your wonderful trait.
Thank you for opening up those wounds again, and showing how they’ll heal. Take care.
September 29th, 2009 at 9:08 am
Moxie,
I enjoyed your story very much. I was similar in many ways except my family still tries to connect with me. I have small children though and I found that our relationship made it very difficult for me to protect my children from their influence, and that while they spoke to me, they treated me like a second class citizen and I eventually cut the relationship off. It has been 3 years, and I still see them from time to time, but mostly I live a life of silence from family. Some days that is ok, other days it still hurts a lot. I too am living my truth though, and really…what choice do any of us have? I’d make a really lousy witness now and could never pull off that hypocrisy. So be it.
Melissa
September 29th, 2009 at 4:52 pm
Hi Moxie,
What a heartbreaking story. Only thought control has the power to override compassion and reason and convince people that such a course is justified.
September 30th, 2009 at 6:34 pm
Hello Moxie. Great article. Heart breaking but great. I also live in BC and know that there are several ex’s here it was great to see a face. I at least still am able to contact with my mother. She is very devout but for some reason feels that “blood is thicker than water” as she says, so she lets me visit her weekly.
My mother does not know how far I have gone from the JW beliefs. I now can have birthday’s and Christmas with my nephew and his family. My nephew was raised as a JW but left as a teenager. His mother, my sister, does not speak to him unless she has to and her daughter and her never speak.
Just know that there are a lot of us ex-JW’s out here and we are your friends if you need us.
Keep up the great work.
October 3rd, 2009 at 3:20 pm
Wow! My heart goes out to you! I can relate to a lot of your story. It was encouraging yet saddening to read. This article is excellent. If anyone wants to know how it feels to have to leave everything they have ever known – this is a great example.
Thank you for taking the time to put this together.
October 5th, 2009 at 4:42 pm
Moxie:
What a wonderful and well narrated story. It almost brought me to tears, especially because I felt the same way you did about the religion and my motives to stay in it. I have been inactive for almost 4 years. I cannot imagine what you are going through with the “loss” of your parents and family like you say, to something they have been made to believe.
I will put your story in my favorites.
October 6th, 2009 at 3:45 pm
I too left JW about 25 years ago while still a teenager. It is only in the last few days that I had an epiphany of sorts. All the depression, fright, inability to have a normal relationship, all of my insecurities have stemmed from the teachings instilled in my brain since birth. All my family except one brother are still faithful members. Luckily I was never baptized so i was never disfellowshipped, but my big brother was. The way my family treats him still hurts him deeply after 30 years. He, luckily, is my best friend and the only one who understands how much this religion has messed with our heads. He too has relationship issues, depression and we both drink entirely too much alcohol just to quiet those voices in our heads that just won’t go away. The fear of life is a big factor. Why go to college? We’re just going to die someday. Why start a family? THis world sucks. Why enjoy life?
That is one thing I notice about JW’s. They don’t seem very happy. There are a lot of skeletons in my sisters closet. Her husband is an elder, but all the strange things that go on with her adult children are hushed. There were allegations of incest between her son and daughter, her husband was arrested for allegedly trying to pick up a prostitute. (”I was just trying to preach the good news to this girl in the 5 inch pumps”)
So much hypocrisy. So many issues to deal with.
I’ve tried counseling, but my dr was unfamiliar with the situation and just wanted to put me on antidepressants (which I have been on most of my life).
I just read a post that mentioned a support group. I would love to know if there is one in my area, if anyone could provide a link, or the name they go by, I would love it. My husband would appreciate it. Now perhaps he will know why I freak out about little things, why Holidays (even though we celebrate them) still don’t mean that much to me. Why I still fear everything this world has to offer.
Thanks for creating this site. I truly needed somewhere to put this in writing.
October 7th, 2009 at 9:14 am
Moxie, thanks for sharing your story. I just know that your words have helped many people.
My X-Husband is a JW who was disfellowshipped shortly after we decided to move in together (before we were married). He never could help me to understand the purpose of disfellowshipping (as he didn’t truly believe in it in his heart), nor could he convince me that there was any love whatsoever in the practice. He lost his community and his family right near the beginning of our relationship and because of this, had a spiritual crisis that ruined his marriage and his life. He was only reinstated after we separated, and only because he wanted his family back. Though cognitive dissonance can explain some of his ability to return, his self-admitted hypocrisy must cause him great sufferring. On some level he knows he’s a fake. I don’t wish this hell on anyone and my heart goes out to him, even after all we have been through.
I still don’t understand the purpose behind the practice, nor do I understand where the directive might be found in the bible. Any help from anyone reading this would be greatly appreciated.
October 18th, 2009 at 11:04 am
Moxie, I have followed your story first on myspace, and now to here. I have actually gone between arguing with you over God, thanking you for telling your story( as it is mine as well0 to being drunk and drug induced while emailing you( the worst of the dark days of the last few years, my apologies ). ALOT of confusion to say the least. alot of mental illness really, and severe anger, depression, just all of it.
Now, after alot of time and events, 5 years for me, i find myself here and finally getting it. I finally KNOW its not the Truth. And, its sad. The damage to lives, the lack of personal and psychological growth, the shattered and broken families, generations of them in many case, mine to be sure. The GUILT! God, the guilt. I read that in your story too. Its all so sad.
I do appreciate your work. It is a strange comfort to know someone, many someones are out there , who UNDERSTAND a very unique and scary thing, such as what we have grown up in
I truly love many of the ” brothers”, my family included of course. I believe they are for the most part sincere. Id assume this goes for the leaders as well. But with research, you can really see, they are captives of a concept, going way back beyond their own lifetime, and we, WE , shouldered the results of that, along with many others
Thank You for your story and your passionate work to help others
It does help
shawn
October 23rd, 2009 at 7:33 am
thanks for your story. I too suffered the humilation and degradation of being ‘interviewed’ by the elders over a date rape issue and have never felt so low in my life – they were just a bunch of dirty old men getting off on my story, asking questions that were personal and perverted. I have never spoken to anyone about my experiences but still after 20 years feel rejected by my family. My family shunned me and my husband – the love of my life and my new baby girl. I forgive them but just wish I had a normal family. My dad died when I was 15 years old, he was not a witness but put up with my mum and her beliefs – I am now the only one out of us four children that is not a witness as my baby brother has now rejoined the witnesses – I am sick of being judged for just being ME!
October 23rd, 2009 at 5:54 pm
Moxie your story will help others as yours and many others helped me. I’m still new only deciding May of 08 that this religion-the only thing I knew was not what I thought it was. The thoughts of “If it isn’t the “truth”, WTF?”
Your family may never speak with you. Mine won’t either. Similar family stories, I remember because we were poor, and less ‘popular’ feeling so out of place with the cliques that were there.
Take care, and be strong! The support around here helps:)
October 28th, 2009 at 2:22 pm
hey how are you? im from canada and i grew up as a jehovahs witness, i was never babtised and my parents did everything thet could to raise me rite. when i was 14 i started smoking and drinking, i too was talked and looked down apon, my dad was a preciding oversier in my congergation and my whole family were witnesses, my grandparents, my ant,uncle,cousins, parents and brother and sister were all doing well, my witness friends too got drunk and sex and other things as well, and they got away with it, this was very depressing for me, and if anything happend like getting busted for drinking, they would blame me for everything, finly i left the truth when i was 16 and stoped everthing i had friends who ecceped me for who i was, not like the witness friends. but my parents and family stuck with me through it all, when i was 18 my so called ffriends in the world had me laid with 4 break and enter charges and even blamed me for a fight i wasnt even in and that was a charge too. i was put on a curfue for 10.00 at night my parents did everything they could to keep me out of trouble. the year before i went to court for my charges i strighten up my life stoping drugs and other things like hanging out with friends i was dating a girl from school who meant everything in the world to me, she really helped me through all this as well as my family. when i went to court for my charges my so called friends swore and lied at the name of the queen about everthing. i was sentenced to 2 years minus a day in prison. i went to jail the following day, my girlfriend and my parents told me they loved me and will miss me. i was in jail a little over a month,i prayed to god every night to help me through this all, it was the first time i prayed to anyone or anything since i was 15 years old, i got a 10 min phone call everynight and i one night i was talking to my girldfriend and she said she was also praying for me asking for god to look after me, on a thursday night i got my phone call, and i called my girlfriend, and she said she prayed the night before and she said when she woke up she had a feeling i was going to get out after 6 months on good behavior and spend the rest of my time in a halfway house. so again i prayed. the next mourning my cell door opened up and the guards said byron, your going hope, i jumped up and said when and how and way? they told me my parents had put up a $15.000 dollar bail for me to come home with them and live the next year and a half on house arest. but i had to be good ahah. i came home that day and never looked back. i did everything rite for my parents my girlfriend and most of all god. i proposed to my girlfriend about 4 months before the end of my time. and she said YES!!! we made plans to move away from my town cause there was no work there and we wanted to star over new. we flew to alberta from my town in newfoundland the day of my release. i was just turned 20. a year later we got married and my whole family flew 8 hours for my wedding and her family too. it was perfect. i am now 23 years old married, my wife i a legal assisant and i am a journysman painter with my own company, we have a house a truck two quads and are happily married, we are also eccepting a baby in april and are very excited. my family is doing well in newfound land and we talk every couple of days. i am not babtised but me and my wife are studing with a couple, there a bit weird and also not perfect, they have alot of faults, but they do care and everyone at the kingdom hall cares too, even though they all have mistakes. like you said your father said to you let jehovah take care of it. and no not everyone is going to die at armageddon. the bible dosent say that anywhere. it says people who serve god and obay him the rite way will get to live forever and the rest will parish. im never going to be perfect in this world nither my family or the witnesses i know. but i do know there the one trying to do whats rite in the eyes of god. and if you ask me?
who would a rather look uyp to people who dont care if your ok, or people that do. its everyone decision to make. me and my wife are planning on getting babtised in the spring and and were doing it on our own. no one is forceing us to. i would rather live life happy then miserbble. my family never hurt me or turned away from me even though i abused them robbed them for money and lied to them every day. they stuck by me. like sheppard to lamb, and nither did the witnesses they always loved me and never hurt me. it was me that was doing wrong not them. anyways im probly wasting my time here talking to people that dont care and only looking for excuses to belive what they want to belive. but as for me im happy and will never look back to the rest of the world, and hey? i would rather spend time with somoe that walks near the edge somtimes then somone who will push me off. my family and jehovah sacrificed for me. i think i can do the same back. and as for the people in the organization that live double standard lives, dont worry about them, do it for yourself and jehovah, blank them out, onnly talk to them at meetings. thats it, but there all like that, like myself alot of jehovhas witnesses are liveing by bible standrds. and im not saying go do this or that. just look at like winning the stanly cup in the nhl. you might not like some of your teamates, and you might know things they do wrong and have to fix same go’s for yourself, but if you all work together and ignore the media and the things and people that try to get you off your game. you will get to the end and you will win the stanly cup and in the end you and your team that did everything write, will win in the end.
November 2nd, 2009 at 12:32 am
Hello Moxie.
I can’t describe you how I felt when I found your website.
I had been alone for so many years, with all this feelings inside.
Sometimes, my sister and I talk about how it felt to disassociate from the JW’s, but there’s still many things we don’t talk about. I guess we rather leave that in the past.
Once I tried to explain to my friends how it was my life inside the JW’s and how it was the looooong and painful experience of growing up beyond the boundaries of this religion, realizing all the manipulation, the dissapointment, the hipocrisy and so many more things. They listened, and they tried to understand, but it’s not the same. They don’t understand how deep was the pain, how it feels. How it made me different.
We left, we moved on, we carry on with our lives, but we KNOW, we KNOW, the things we lived when we were part of the JW’s has left marks inside of us forever. We are never going to be like other people, we see the world behind different eyes. Only an ex-JW knows how it feels.
Reading your story, I feel so moved, cause you talk about so many thing we lived too. I feel like you’re telling MY story, and my heart reaches out to you, because I know, as many people here, how that felt, and how it feels now.
At some point we were brothers and sisters inside the JW’s, but now that we’re out, we’re brothers and sisters in this experience. I love all of you, cause we share this feelings and this experiences. I would LOVE to meet you all, and for the first time, be among people that actually can understand.
Moxie, when I saw your picture I felt so happy, so moved, to see you. To see your wide and sincere smile, and how beautiful you are. To JWs we might be rejects, but we know that, as you, we are beautiful human beings, and we only want to be happy.
My love to you Moxie, and to all those brothers and sisters here.
To those who are still struggling, be brave, we are here to support you.
November 4th, 2009 at 5:20 am
Dear Moxie,
This is the second time I read your story and I’m crying again. I can’t begin to explain how relieved I am that I found this site. After I read your story for the first time and I visited the related sites I was convinced that my doubts about the organization were not out of place. But like you I do not want to be disfellowshiped I do not want to lose my family but that will be inevitable. I hope to have the same courage you had and still need to do what I know is right, to be true to myself. Thank you very much for helping by sharing your story.
Abi
November 13th, 2009 at 1:06 pm
Keep up the good work! Ive had a similar experience with the JWs, but now my wife and i have managed to move on with our lives, and are happy raising our young son, celebrating whatever we want when we want. the watch tower really is a dangerous cult, i still bear the emotional and mental scars that it leaves with u. however, we have been able to start new lives, go back to education and start to repair the damage that has been done. im 29 years old and feel as if im only just starting to live my life now. i can understand the pain u and other ex jws have been through, but it doesnt last forever. my wife and i have to put up with 2 jw families living in the same street as us, we have to put up with the angry looks (or just being ignored by people who even came to our wedding), the attempts of “well intentioned”witnesses calling at our door to try to persuade us to come bac to the “truth” etc. Last week i was told by one “brother” that he could not permit either myself or my wife even to sayhello to his family, and that we constitute a “spiritual threat” to them. ( such a threat i must be, working hard 60 hours a week as a security officer to provide for my family, as well as studying to qualify as a teacher, when would i get the time to become “mr super apostate”?).
So what im saying is : dont let the bastards grind you down!
Its not the end of the world brothers and sisters, nor will it ever be!
Thank you for sharing your inspiring story.
November 19th, 2009 at 2:50 am
I’m glad the story was a long one… I was raised as a JW and every experience you shared is one I’ve had as well. I was very devout until I left almost four years ago. Really, thank you for sharing your life and thoughts here, I don’t feel so alone reading this.
Peace XO
December 2nd, 2009 at 8:20 pm
Your reference to the Frost poem caught my eye. That poem was used by the speaker at my baptism talk. I appreciate your highlighting it in the sense of your being free from the Watchtower cult. That is certainly the right path to choose and I am happily on it. My heart aches for you for the loss of your family — all in the name of Christianity? Pathetic. The WBTS’ biggest crime, in my opinion, is how they cruelly and heartlessly divide families, permanently.
Your creating this website has helped so many people, Moxie! Myself included. I hope we in turn have helped you over some of your rough spots. (((Moxie)))
December 6th, 2009 at 5:41 am
Thank you Moxie for this article and all comments. Once again I invite everyone to join the discussion on backpage.com under “religion” featuring 3 JW and also other Christians and Atheists who disagree with them so greatly it is disturbing the level of denial going on about the history of religious abuse.
Worldly One: the JW truly believe they are disciplining their own out of love. Since they believe they are the only witnesses and only church, then once you have tried to rebuke someone and it fails, they take it literally that you should renounce this person. They use this process to try to get people to repent and change ill behavior, but it is too easily abused instead and they don’t see this side. In the Bible Matthew 18:15-20 is normally applied to RESTORE relationships (see also James 5:16 where the confession and healing is MUTUAL and is not one way!) They seem to feel that this discipline helps to keep people in line, and seem to be in denial of the abuses and harmed caused. They think people deserve the suffering to learn the consequences of bad behavior blamed only on the “apostates”. They do not seem to understand mutual responsibility, but practice a power imbalance too easily abused to coerce individuals with less power by imposing a collective authority without check.
I would NEVER recommend anyone join JW unless they are fully aware and can practice their own *civil rights* without compromise or coercion and their own * spiritual healing* instead of rejecting this as the JW seem to deny it. Very dangerous to get involved with a group that does not recognize these but claims to teach and enforce the whole of God’s law. Something is missing, and the imbalance of power and authority has a long history of abuses and damages.
What I recommend to resolve conflicts and restore relationships properly:
http://www.christianhealingmin.org “Healing” by Francis and Judith MacNutt
“The Healing Light” by Agnes Sanford
Any group that teaches mediation or conflict resolution.
If the right methods were taught, there would be no need for disfellowshipping.
December 7th, 2009 at 12:05 am
Dear Moxie
Congratulations on a very neat site and your pioneering initiatives. I believe now is the beginning of the end for the WBTS hegemony, and the beginning of a fair go at healing and recovery for its many victims.
Maybe it was your site that contributed to finally crystallising a serviceable letter terminating our family’s total of 110 years involvement with the JWs which we have now come to view as a destructive pseudo-Christian cult and sect.
I followed your story, in the new pdf magazine with interest and feel for your and many others’ pain.
Our termination letter has been constructed in a way that hopefully launches the most powerful and significant legal attack ever against the WBTS’s stranglehold over the dignity and constitutional human rights of all ever associated with it.
I pray that this letter along with the suggested letter from victims’ legal representatives to the WBTS may be of some use to you.
Please let me know if you want a copy, once we have submitted.
Our family’s new ministry although in its infancy, is … able to show … honest hearted [persons] … (using only the wt library and Bible) and shock them into realising that the WBTS teaches a false apostate “good news”. Their accusations of apostasy against those leaving are actually demonic vicarious accusations – they are accusing others of what they themselves are guilty of. Active Jehovah’s Witnesses, in particular their leadership, are demonstrably of the worst apostates you can ever hope to come across. They are EXACTLY like the elders and governing body in Jesus’ day who as we know killed him for daring to point out their faults, in particular their apostasy.
A quote from our pending termination letter: “We are also unable to agree with your position that whistleblowers are apostates (as per the oral traditions of men taught as doctrine). It is clear that according to divine teaching, an apostate is one who is guilty of spiritual unfaithfulness to God and not men.”
This really means that all those outwardly righteous, yet inwardly hateful robots, masquerading as witnesses of God, whilst leading well hidden double lives are themselves actually apostates. Indeed upon examination all RELIGIONISTS are by fundamental definition apostates. This is why the meaning assigned to the word apostate by the society when under DISCUSSION is inconsistent with the meaning assigned when under DEFINITION. Liars. Deceivers.
Our extensive search into the wt library over 4 years and 4,000 hours has made us one of the world’s foremost experts in its use, and on the full and true “good news” which ironically can be taught and learnt from the wt library even though it contradicts the “good news” taught and believed in all congregations by oral tradition (religion).
Jesus was and is himself against religion (the oral traditions of men taught as doctrine), religionists and teaching religion (proselytising). See what he said to the elders, likely of his own congregation in Matthew 23:15 at http://www.bible.cc . Instead Jesus wants people to learn and be taught the gospel (evangelising). Jehovah’s Witnesses are proselytisers and proud of it. If they say they are evangelisers they are lying since they cannot explain the gospel from Paul’s letters. Get this – half of all the references to the gospel in the Bible are by Paul and the witnesses are completely blind to them ALL!?!?
By the way, witnesses imbibe so much religion that very few of them even know that the gospel and the “good news” are one and the same thing. This was my situation too for 40 years!
If you feel like entertaining yourself you might ask a witness who does not know you, to please explain what the gospel is in a single word. Then ask them to expand, maybe in writing, into a single phrase, sentence and paragraph. If they are completely blank, you might ask them to write “don’t know” in their own handwriting. You could then repeat the whole process by asking them to explain what the “good news” is in a single word. (We will be using this technique in all our interventions).
You might find this quotation from the internet interesting and relevant: “You can’t start seeing your issues in techni-colour before you’ve admitted them in black and white.” (Elah). I’m really not sure on the source of this quote. At any rate is does highlight a truth about us humans and indeed about those trapped as captives of religion.
… [please] monitor our new up and coming website for useful content.
Alternatively if you can work up the stomach to trawl through the wt library yourself, we can send you the powerful one page summary we have made of it, the Bible and the “good news” which powerfully proves what a schizophrenic religion the WBTS is operating by liberally mixing lies and truth so as to hide the intensely liberating and healing true and full “good news” from all those it holds captive.
Kind regards
Best wishes
David Paul
December 8th, 2009 at 12:27 pm
Moxie,
I have followed your youtube videos for some time. They were some of the first “apostate” things I watched. My wife and I have been thinking for ourselves for about a year now, but we have only stopped going for about 3 months. Its a really scary thought to lose all your family, as that is a main fear of mine. I am glad your wrote your story down for all of us to read. I emailed it to my wife as soon as I started reading it, since I knew she would want and need to read it.
Thank you
Dustin
December 19th, 2009 at 12:48 am
I have been out for 30 years but the pain to me is like a scab that heals and at times gets ripped off. Today my mother told me i was an Apostate and she would never speak to me again. The scab ripped off again. I have not been a part of my family for over 30 years…and am ready to tell my story. Your story gives me hope that all this time I have not been alone. I am so happy I found your site. You’ll be hearing a lot more from me. The pain and suffering that the JW casts on members and non members should be illegal. This is not love~this is death of soul.
Get out all of you. If you are debating…get out and run as fast as you can..to this thing called LIFE!! live it.
December 21st, 2009 at 1:27 pm
Echoing other comments before me, I read and I wept. The similarities between your situation and, not just mine, but so many others are uniquely both comforting and sad. We who were raised in the ‘Truth’ all have such similar stories of leaving (or, of being left more accurately), and the experience of losing all you’ve ever known is indeed a gut-wrenching, soul-crushing event that is difficult to EVER get over, if we ever really do…….
The comment that most struck a chord with me is when you stated about the guilt trips and the shunning:
“And yet it’s not their fault, not really. This is how they’ve been trained to think. I know it’s not who they are, deep down in their hearts.”
That is something that people who have never been “in” can’t ever understand. The fact that despite doing things that any normal person would and do find deeply offensive and disturbing, we understand why our families do this (from their perspective), and most of us even find a way, after the initial bitterness, hurt, and fear, to somehow find pity in our hearts for them. Sometimes, I think about how I understand what they are doing to me and others, and it disgusts me. Treating your own flesh and blood like they are dead, and then to turn about face if someone caves in and returns with open arms like nothing ever happened is quite simply a disgusting way to treat anyone, let alone your own family.
Moxie, I’d love to meet you and give you a giant hug. For sharing your story, for doing what you can to help others like us, and just to look into the eyes of someone who can truly understand what I went and go through, without words…….
Thanks, and keep writing. We’ll keep reading.
December 27th, 2009 at 3:37 pm
Thank you so much. I started watching your videos when I had finally woken up and started questioning. I had a hard time at first. I found a lot of ex witnesses that were into drugs and partying and simply wanted to celebrate holidays. That was never the case for me. I simply hated not knowing the truth. I resented the fact that I had been lied to. All I wanted was the REAL truth. And it was refreshing to come across someone who was honest and seeking answers. I am now so happy and free, living as an atheist at peace with myself and always learning. My family doesn’t use my name. They refer to me as the “whore” and “crackhead.” It hurts me to be so disconnected from people I love so so much. But I take pride in knowing that I am truly happy and they can see it. The only way they can cope with my happiness is to lie about me and “slander” my name. Because regardless of the fact that I am now an atheist, I have always lived my life at a higher standard than those who follow the “truth of god”.
I strongly believe, Moxie, that I would not be on the path of learning and living today if I hadn’t stumbled upon your videos as VanCoffeeChick. Thank you for helping me learn to live and love.
December 30th, 2009 at 5:25 pm
A well written, well thought out and heartbreaking story. I left 2 years ago in February and haven’t looked back. I realize now the reason I was such a vulnerable target for them. At the time I fell in with the JWs, I was suffering major clinical depression. I was on sick leave from the military for acute PTSD due to military trauma and family related trauma dating back to my childhood..
In the beginning, I felt loved and appreciated, that I had the parents I didn’t feel I had growing up. After awhile, I began to ask questions, ones that apparently weren’t asked by the “faithful”. I am, by nature, a curious person, and I always felt that if you had nothing to hide, you would answer the questions I asked. I was continually put off or fed ludicrous answers. I also felt the progress I was making in recovering from the depression was slowing and reversing. I didn’t want to attribute it to the JWs, but I knew their doom and gloom prophesies were making me worse. Life is to be lived and enjoyed, it is NOT a sin to be happy, it is NOT a sin to not spend every waking moment “in service”. As these facts cemented themselves in the reason and logic that gradually returned to my now clearing, once foggy mind, I wrote a terse letter to one of the elders and told them I was not to be considered a JW and the matter was not open for discussion, end of story. They tried to contact me once via phone, I didn’t return the call. I guess they realized I meant business, as I haven’t heard from them, what a relief!
I have since married a beautiful, atheist husband. He is one of the most generous, kind, understanding and sweet human beings I have ever known . A person doesn’t have to have religion to be a good person, love must come from the heart. He has the biggest heart of anyone I know. I consider myself to be a very spiritual person, not the least bit religious. Religion comes from a bunch of patriarchal, sexist and uneducated men, who after all, founded it.
While I find myself questioning the Almighty on a regular basis, I do believe in a Creator, one to whom we can look to, without fear of retribution. That is the essence of love, loving unconditionally. The Witnesses know nothing about it, what a pitiable existence. Feel sorry for them, it is self inflicted misery.
For those who have just left or are thinking of leaving, have a courageous heart, have a staunch belief that it will be OK. It will be difficult in the beginning, but the light will start to shine brighter and brighter as you realize the full beauty that exists outside that organization.
Those who let you go and call you an apostate are the real losers in this game. They were never there for you to begin with. If you had to play a game that only worked in their favour, they were not truly there for you.
I only wish you the best. There are some wonderfully lovely people in the world as there are bad ones. The same goes for the Witnesses. The difference is, you live in freedom of your own choosing outside of their judgemental and claustrophobic bigotry.
Freedom!!!
January 8th, 2010 at 3:47 pm
I’m happily sobbing, and now I really KNOW I’m truly no longer all alone. THANK YOU for you’re honesty, integrity, and couragous story of learing to really live.I too have found my “truth”, and am now FREE!Please keep up the good work.
Thank you again & kindest regards, Emily
January 25th, 2010 at 1:10 pm
You touched my heart with love. Jesus said you will know them for the love they have for one another.You have a lot of love for others to share your story. Because you are helping the broken hearted find relief in the truth. And that takes great courage and honesty.Thank you. Linda
January 25th, 2010 at 5:55 pm
Moxie, I can relate to what you’ve been through. I was before a panel just the same when I got pregnant. It was three elders who I had to discuss personal information with. They hounded me down. If I didn’t meet with them I know I would have been disfellowship. But my dad was an elder at the time. And by their statndards if I was disfellowship, he could loose his position in the congregation. So I agreed to meet with them and pretended (cried, to look repentent). My son is 16 years old now, though he doesn’t have a healthy relationship with his dad. His dad was very much involved in the birth of our son, was there with me, when I delivered and everything. The elders asked me during our conversation if I was going to allow my son’s father to be a part of his life, and how would I handle that. I wanted to ask them what the heck do they mean, so many kids don’t have a father. What I’m getting at I guess is so many of them pretend to be so holy and have deep dark secrets. I have a older sister that I’m very close to and she’s disfellowship. I no longer go to the meetings, though I’m not disfellowship. That’s my biggest problem with the religiion. How can you say God is love, then you allow families to shun each other because they don’t go along with the belief. My mother died in a nursing home a year and a half ago. And do you know out of two congregations in my home town, only 2 sisters brought food to my house. Only someone call was two of the elders and that was to make the arrangements. Some love. That hurt me more than anything I’ve ever experience before. My place of employment and outside people who were not JW’s were the ones that brought food and gave monetary offerings. At the visition at the funeral home I can count on two hands how many JW actually came to the funeral home. My mother was faithful until she went into the nursing home and died. They are some of the biggest fakers, and their children live double lives. I don’t know what to believe anymore with this religion I am so confused. Thanks so much for sharing your story. Sorry for any typos,
February 4th, 2010 at 5:05 am
Thank you so much for sharing your experience. Even though I was disfellowshipped in 1990, I can relate so much to every detail you have shared. It is truly heartwarming to have so many of my feelings expressed in your words. Thank you!