His name is Adrien.
He is a 16-year old boy, stocky, sturdy, bright and articulate, who uses my own brand of humor to disarm me when he needs me to agree with his point of view. He was born with the thoughts and feelings and longings of a boy, but the anatomy of a girl. And I am his mother.
Within the confines of the sect called Jehovah’s Witnesses, he is an abomination. He has no right to exist in the manner that could provide him a full and enriched life. And by supporting him and participating fully in activism that will someday secure him rights in this nation whose laws still discriminate against him and others, based on archaic understandings of this niche population, I have become a pariah amongst people who at one time had welcomed me and accepted my support and friendship.
Adrien and his mother Amy at the GLSEN Safe Schools Advocacy Summit in Washington DC, where the pair lobbied on Capitol Hill for an amendment to a safe and drug-free schools and communities law that enumerates sexual orientation and gender identity/expression in the anti-bullying policies of schools receiving federal funding. (photo compliments of Amy Arnao)
My sin? I have chosen to love and support this amazing person, who happens to be my child, in what has to be one of the most difficult life situations anyone could have to face, a reality that I cannot begin to imagine — becoming aware of an irreconcilable dichotomy between one’s felt gender and one’s physical expression of gender. How could a mother choose to do otherwise?
With many, if not most, religions, there is always an admonition to remain faithful — faithful to the doctrines and dictates delivered from on high, by means of some element of humanity. To deviate from the commands, to walk a path unprescribed is judged in the immediate as unfaithful and worthy of sanction from human agents of the unseen divine, and retribution is assured.
Within the congregations of Jehovah’s Witnesses, the ongoing practice of shunning, a severe form of excommunication, is practiced, often with intense zeal and a sense of righteousness. It is the expected course, when one chooses to “practice sin” or recant one’s former belief in the teachings of the sect, to be summarily rejected until such time a proper course of reconciliation is deemed fulfilled.
I suppose by the definitions the Witnesses would render, I am indeed practicing sin and I definitely have recanted belief in the teachings that would have me view my son as unnatural and sinful.
It begs the question for me: When is the choice to reject one’s own child for a doctrine considered unnatural and sinful? What power is there, in heaven or on Earth, that sees as righteous the deliberate severing of the most elemental of human bonds, that of a child and mother? If there is such a power, it cannot have my allegiance. It shall not have my adoration. It certainly will never have the surrender of my relationship with my child.
In a world filled with pain and suffering, it is unconscionable, in my thinking, to voluntarily participate in creating more, with deliberate acts of misguided piety and unctuous certainty of righteousness. I cannot be that person. I will not be that person. If it is an inherent weakness I have failed to overcome for this brand of righteousness’ sake, may I be in trespass with every breath I draw.
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September 28th, 2009 at 4:29 pm
Amy, you are an amazing mother and Adrien is an amazing son. You both are lucky to have eachother.
September 29th, 2009 at 1:36 am
Amy, thank you for sharing your story. I still cannot fathom how a mother could make any other choice when it comes to their children. When we left the religion, my mother refused to abandon us, my husband’s mother wanted emergency contact only. It seems it’s all just a lottery.
May you both find happiness in abundance.
September 29th, 2009 at 12:29 pm
Watchtower Society’s hierarchy is made of bigot and neofascist: sexist and racist.
They should be publicly unmasked as such.
Finally they’re going to get what’s coming to ‘em
Just to tell some names of the reactionary bosses: Don Adams, Gerrith Losch, Samuel Herd…who’d like to be in them?
Get these names into your minds folks, and you know where to picket and strike
they hate being dragged before public opinion. They have no nerve there and no way out.
September 29th, 2009 at 4:00 pm
You are a wonderful human being. You understand the true, compassion that a loving god would ask of his followers. You have taught your son to be a better person, not through harsh treatment, but by the logical step of setting a loving example in strivng to be a better member of the human race.
September 29th, 2009 at 4:35 pm
I applaud you for your courage. As my mother so aptly put it: “Any teaching that destroys family relationships is harmful.”
Unfortunately, thought control is such that if people can be convinced that their course is justified, they will engage in terribly heartless acts.
The shunning espoused by J.W.’s is a form of emotional abuse. I only hope that the leaders are finally called to account.
September 29th, 2009 at 11:08 pm
Thank you for loving your son. You stand up and show that it is possible to do the loving and motherly thing when so many other mothers can find it in their hearts to refuse to do the right thing. I too am involved in GLSEN, as well as other GLBT advocacy groups. I am gay. My mother shun me. I will live my truth…and I am so happy your son will to…and with you, his mother, by his side. In each act of bravery we win against this evil organization.
September 30th, 2009 at 5:39 pm
I admire you for sticking to your son’s side. Any religion that would want you to do otherwise is cold, calloused, and unnatural. Your son looks like a fine young man, and he looks happy. Obviously you two have a good mother son relationship, and that is a beautiful thing indeed! Go with your heart, and forget what this demanding cult would want of you!
October 25th, 2009 at 2:40 pm
You are an amazing mother for sticking with your child! I’m gay and my mom won’t talk to me or anything anymore. It’s so heartbreaking being on this end of things. Your son is lucky to have such an understanding mother to help him through this.
January 10th, 2010 at 1:20 pm
This is beautiful. The witnesses are just another religion that holds mankind back from a better world. I wish that my mother loved me as much as you love your child. She has completely disowned me and shunned me for 7 years. Family is always more important than false piety and peer approval. You are like the mother hen that Jesus spoke of that protects her chicks under her wings. The witnesses are so divorced from the truth and the divine now, in fact it seems as if they are agents of death, prejudice, and ignorance. I love this article.
January 25th, 2010 at 4:25 pm
I love this ariicle too because love is God’s greatest gift to us. And you are certainly using that gift wisley.