One of the hardest things to understand is how a parent can shun a child, completely cutting off all meaningful contact, for simply disagreeing about religion. If you have a loved one who was excommunicated from the church, he or she has undoubtedly explained to you at least the end result of being “disfellowshipped” or “disassociated”: shunning. All Jehovah’s Witnesses, even his immediate family, are forbidden to speak with him with very few exceptions. So what’s the story here?
Excommunication was once viewed by the Witnesses as Satanic. However, after new leadership took over at the Watch Tower headquarters in the early 1940s, that opinion was eventually reversed.
I have written you in my letter not to associate with sexually immoral people — not at all meaning the people of this world who are immoral, or the greedy and swindlers, or idolaters. In that case you would have to leave this world. But now I am writing you that you must not associate with anyone who calls himself a brother but is sexually immoral or greedy, an idolater or a slanderer, a drunkard or a swindler. With such a man do not even eat. What business is it of mine to judge those outside the church? Are you not to judge those inside? God will judge those outside. “Expel the wicked man from among you.” — 1 Corinthians 6:9, 10, NASB
This was the original list of disfellowshippable offenses used by the Witnesses. This passage is the basis for the disfellowshipping doctrine. Since it was instituted in the early 1950s, the list has since grown to include smoking tobacco, receiving a blood transfusion, non-vaginal sex, speaking to a disfellowshipped or disassociated person and criticising the organization. The Witnesses believe that by expelling and shunning a member who no longer conforms to the code of conduct protects the rest of the congregation from being corrupted by him or her. Not even a word of greeting may be spoken to such a person, as the Sept. 15, 1981, Watchtower explains:
“A simple “Hello” to someone can be the first step that develops into a conversation and maybe even a friendship. Would we want to take that first step with a disfellowshiped person?”
But what about family? Surely there is an exception for disfellowshipped family members, right? There is some exception, but it is unfortunately not without its caveats.
“Cutting off from the Christian congregation does not involve immediate death, so family ties continue. Thus, a man who is disfellowshipped or who disassociates himself may still live at home with his Christian wife and faithful children. … The situation is different if the disfellowshipped or disassociated one is a relative living outside the immediate family circle and home. It might be possible to have almost no contact at all with the relative. Even if there were some family matters requiring contact, this certainly would be kept to a minimum, in line with the divine principle: “Quit mixing in company with anyone called a brother that is a fornicator or a greedy person [or guilty of another gross sin], … not even eating with such a man.” (1 Corinthians 5:11.) Understandably, this may be difficult because of emotions and family ties, such as grandparents’ love for their grandchildren. — Watchtower, April 15, 1988, p.27
The message here is clear: have as little contact with expelled family members as possible. As a result, many families have been torn apart by this organization. For many parents and grandparents, having a normal, healthy relationship with their children and grandchildren is simply not permitted.
Naturally, this situation creates a lot of pent-up fear in the membership. Since the religion of Jehovah’s Witnesses monopolizes their life, it is most often the case that all of their friends and family relationships are within the organization. For those born into the religion, it is quite literally all they’ve ever known, and the thought of losing every friend they’ve ever had, every family member they’ve ever loved is unbearable.
So is it the case that everyone who commits a “gross sin” is automatically kicked out? No. When a Jehovah’s Witness breaks a serious rule, he or she is brought before what is called a “judicial committee”. Made up of three church elders (instead of one minister, priest or bishop, congregations of Jehovah’s Witnesses are run by a group of elders appointed by the Watch Tower Society headquarters in Brooklyn, N.Y.), these private trials have no juries, no lawyers present and are not recorded in any way. It is simply the party presumed guilty explaining themselves to the elders. The elders judge the level of repentance the accused shows. If they judge that he or she has repented of the sin, then depending on the level of knowledge of the deed in the congregation, the accused is put on “reproof”. A reproved person has a diminished role in the congregation, but can still maintain friendships and familial bonds. After a prescribed amount of time, the restrictions put on by the reproof are lifted and the person is once again a full member of the congregation.
If the person is deemed not to be repentant — this decision being at the sole discretion of the elders — then he or she is disfellowshipped, or expelled and shunned by the congregation. Furthermore, if someone decides that they no longer wish to be part of the Jehovah’s Witness religion, they can submit a letter to the local elders outlining these wishes. The person is then considered “disassociated”, and the same rules regarding disfellowshipping apply. The end result is quite alarming: there is no honorable way to leave the church. There is no way out without losing one’s friends and family. The psychological issues such an event could bring about in a person is obvious.
Many who are disfellowshipped still believe the teachings of the society, thus being unable to worship God in the way in which they’ve been taught is devastating. They believe that those who are not associated with Jehovah’s Witnesses when Armageddon arrives is doomed to destruction. To go from believing that you will never die to realizing that you will is nothing short of traumatic.
The expelled often find themselves very, very alone after their excommunication. They have no friends, and often no family. On top of this, the Watch Tower organization tells them it is their fault they are being shunned:
“It is the disfellowshipped person who has made problems for himself and for his relatives.” — Watchtower, Sept. 15, 1981, p.27
The Watch Tower has taken every friend and every family member who was previously in their lives, and it is their fault, they are told. Beaten down by this intense guilt, it is often difficult to integrate into a world one has been taught to hate and fear his entire life. Thus, many true believing ex-Witnesses begin to make compromises. They may become involved in the holidays to a limited extent, but will not get involved with activities that are blatantly involved with the day. For example, cooking a meal is done routinely throughout the year, but hanging Christmas ornaments is specifically for the holiday.
In most cases, the best thing that can be done for an ex-Witness cut off from his family is to find others to fill that void. If your significant other is in this situation, perhaps you could make a greater effort to include him or her in your family events if you don’t already do so. Talking about his or her experience can be quite healing. There are many communities of ex-Jehovah’s Witnesses on the Internet in which one could find support and a place to heal. Having someone to talk to that has experienced the same thing is invaluable to the healing process.
Depending on the situation, efforts can be made to bring the family out of the destructive sect. However, this is rarely if ever successful, and should be approached with extreme caution. Jehovah’s Witnesses are taught and conditioned to handle attempts to get them to leave the church, and more often than not such attempts backfire. An ex-JW must face the possibility that he or she may have lost their JW family for good, and the only recourse is to try to move on as much as possible.
—
Our thanks to Brian Stilson who allowed us to publish his excellent article here in JWRecovery Magazine. This article was originally published on his blog, Memoirs of a Godless Heathen, which has since closed.
Popularity: 22%
September 28th, 2009 at 9:27 pm
Very well written!
I saw my parents yesterday for the first time in 8-9 years. I left the organization and they have not spoken to me since.
As I walked into the restaurant yesterday, they were sitting waiting for a table. I said, “Well hello!”. Both of them proceeded to get up and walk out without a word.
Fortunately, my 2 adult children left with me. They also shun them both. My parents have grandchildren and great-grandchildren they don’t even know. Very disappointing…
September 29th, 2009 at 3:19 am
I’ve always found it odd that JW’s put down the “hell fire” doctrine & claim it to be a way to rule people with fear & intimidation. Yet, they get their followers under their thumbs with the fear of being disfellowshipped. Can you imagine waiting for a family member to die just so your mother would give you a hug?!
September 29th, 2009 at 1:07 pm
Good article. I am currently being shunned by my two younger children because they know I disagree with some teachings of the org. I have NOT been disfellowshipped.
September 29th, 2009 at 8:01 pm
Oh and BTW…when my son got married this past May I was invited to the ceremony but not the reception because “some people view [me] as an apostate.”
October 5th, 2009 at 2:41 pm
Jehovah’s witnesses left a destructive path in our family. I left 45 family members inside Watchtower “prison walls” when I choose to leave that organization. It is a very painful experience to lose family because of Watchtower rules of shunning.
I was in the organization over 30 years, and assure you there is life after leaving that religion.
Appreciate the article above, it is a very truthful account of Watchtower procedures regarding those that leave. They view them as “spiritually dead” and in many cases as “physically dead”. Watchtower adherents adopt Jehovah’s Witnesses as their “family”…………
October 7th, 2009 at 11:25 am
Thanks for explaining the disfellowshipping process to me. This practice has directly impacted my life and I wasn’t sure I completely understood it until now. My opinion is that disfellowshipping and shunning are not loving practices and are, therefore, fear-based practices. It follows, in my mind that any organization that tries to instill fear as a method or motivation for control is a cult. I think it is tragic that YHWH should be used this way, in and against the heart, spirit, and soul. In my opinion, it should be illegal to alter a person in these most sacred spaces; like spiritual rape. And that’s not to mention that even the dimmest of the dim know that the social support of friends and family is of the utmost importance to spiritual, emotional, and mental health, particularly in times of crisis. Very interesting. Thank you.
November 8th, 2009 at 9:37 pm
I think this is a very well written article, it really lets the public know how disfellowshiped is done. Many people who are not Jehovah Witnesses will be able to comprehend a persons emotions and feelings and what he/she has to deal with, if they decide to leave the organization.It answers a lot of questions that the public is unaware of.
December 2nd, 2009 at 12:56 pm
I was raised JW and df’d twice. I think exJWs have the unique perspective about how terrible this organization is because of we know how their mentality is and how severe it can be. My JW mother called me a ‘twisted apostate’ on our last conversation. This organization instills so much hate in them yet tells them that they are loving people. Its REALLY sick.
December 4th, 2009 at 9:19 pm
This article is very well written. I was raised Protestant till I was 11 when Witnesses knocked on our door. I decided to “convert” and was baptised at the age of 13. I was “reproved” at 17 and then disfellowshipped at 18 and left the “truth” about 4 years ago when I divorced my husband. While I have not been disfellowshipped again, I know that if I were to set foot in my old Kingdom Hall the Elders would want to sit me down and I’m sure I would end up disfellowshipped again. After experiencing the cold shunning and the fact that none of the Jehovah’s Witnesses I grew up with for 13 years will look my way or speak to me I know I will never “come back.” My ex-husband was raised as a Jehovah’s Witness and also left upon our divorce. He recently had to sit down with the Elders to get permission to go to his little sister’s wedding because some people might have been offended at him being there. My Mother is still a Witness, but speaks to me (I’m sure she would get in trouble if her Elders knew). It’s a shame because I agree with a lot of their teachings but I was way too hurt and scared by the way they shun.
December 12th, 2009 at 12:52 am
God bless you for this ministry. My husband was disfellowshipped 15 years ago for marrying me, I wasn’t even a believer back then. We were lost, drinking partying and all, but his family was fine with us, normal happy family…. Really close, then 3 years ago we accepted Jesus as Lord and Savior, changed our lives and now they will not talk to us. The watchtower tore our family apart.
December 28th, 2009 at 1:48 am
The best thing that happened to me was to be censored. I committed a “sin” and I felt so guilty that I confessed to my wife and then she called the elders. I sincerely repented and I knew what was coming, I wasn’t disfellowshipped but censored. My “servant privileges” were taken away. I was there the day it was announced and that takes more than you know. Censored is a term for partial forgiveness but you still have to prove that you are really repentant to the elders, and you should be grateful that you were not disfellowshupped. I read the bible daily and prayed constantly to God and I never missed a meeting. After being treated like the scum of the earth for three years an elder that had been gone for years and came back to town asked me to pray, and I had to explain to him that I couldn’t. He asked me when this had happened and I told him it had been three years, he was very surprised. The next meeting one of the elders that had censored me came up to me and said I’m sorry we forgot to tell you you are not censored anymore. What a bunch of s–t after three years that was his excuse! That was their way of punishing me without making it personal. That day all my doubts and negative feelings were confirmed, I wasn’t the one that had a problem, it was them! The system is run by unqualified sinful men who are puffed up because this is the only place they have power as most of them dont even have an education! It took me two years to completely stop attending and confessing to my wife that I did not believe anymore. Due to this and the choices I wanted to make we got divorced and then of course my so called friends that I knew since I was born were no longer there when I really needed them. The so called loving organization is a hypocritical one, they actually breed hate and separation. I’m so glad I did confess and repent because i saw their true colors, not to mention I came from a family of elders and I had heard every story about who did what with who. There are no secrets, at home they all talk about what happens behind closed doors. Not to mention that my father was a tyrant at home to me and my mother. Nothing was ever good enough, you are measured by your privileges specially if you are a male and thats all that mattered to him. I was home schooled and I didn’t go to college because the end was coming. Im now in my thirties going to a University and living for the first time, at first it was like learning to walk and now im running and it feels incredible. It is never too late to get out, I wish my family could see the trap they are in. And my anointed grandmother well, if shes in heaven judging me now then they can keep their paradise, on one side she “saved” so many strangers and on the other side she destroyed her own family. What a loving organization! The best part is that I have met the most caring, loving, and true friends out in the “World”. i have learned the truth is outside, that God loves all, that the world is not as they see it, there are many people doing good things, that judgement is not up to the Jehovah’s and one day they will be judged with the same hand they have given. The truth is out there and it has set me free. Everyone says that I am a changed person and that I finally look happy, here I always thought I was in the happiest place in earth.
January 10th, 2010 at 1:36 pm
This is the very sad truth about this religion. My parents have shunned me for 7 years. I have two brothers one of which has been disfellowshipped for 10 years and another one that got disfellowshipped about 3 years ago. We all at a bare minimum do not believe in the current dogma of the witnesses, and see the governing body as resembling the evil slave and harlot, and definitely not the faithful slave. Anyway, I like this article and indeed the whole magazine. I will let my Witness friends and ex-witness friends know about it. This is a great help!
January 16th, 2010 at 12:04 pm
Wow I am truly fortunate I grew up from birth going to meetings up until app 18 yrs I am now 39 my parents are both witnesses they have never shunned me my father was a elder growing up now I understand after all these years part of the reason he was asked to stepdown years ago I have never imagined reading some of thes stories simply out of curiosity that people are treated this way me personally I have become the other way around where I will not visit my parents I have rarely seen the since my grandmother passed away 4yrs ago and I. While she was in the process of leaving this earth my father was letting her know that we will see you in the new system I just cannot come to grips with this still being the root cause of what leads witnesses to this religion I think it is a great concept but For me that lead me to distance my self from them and I simply want to come to terms and revisit and once and for all put and end to my miserable childhood which I hold them responsible for and find closure and move on.
January 20th, 2010 at 1:14 pm
Even though I have not lived a fulfilling life since leaving the Watchtower after 30 years, I have never regretted my decision. My mother still calls but cannot seem to offer any conversation beyond the tiny world of JW’s. At least she has toned down the “end is near” drumbeat. She never expected to grow old either. I never expected to be middle-aged or impoverished due to no viable skills (except door-to-door salesman; and I would rather shake hands with “Jack Ketch” than knock on another door). At times the JW’s have even employed the “Prodigal Son” parable to support shunning. It doesn’t fit.
January 30th, 2010 at 9:08 pm
I’m just reading these comments now because i’ve been D’d as i call it since 1990…when it happened I felt like a weight had been lifted off my shoulders. Just freedom. Never looked back. My parents are very fanatical, particulary my mother, and they dont talk to me, but every now and then i see an email she has written to my aunt or someone else and it’s so sad to see how small her world has become – she cannot write a para without quoting some scripture. At any rate i’ve completely forgotten about the dubbs but got a shock the other day when two friends who completely shunned me and were a bit nasty with it, contacted me on facebook. I was wondering if new rules were in place or something…however I suspect it’s because they;re out too. YEAH.!!
February 28th, 2010 at 12:08 pm
8I have very little to say and is just plain and simple to see and understands. When any religion stands above the family,kind folks, Religous beleif, and last and most of all judging a person to be a sinner and not be good enough to attend their church. When you take out your measuring stick and start measuring people as good enough or not to attend their church. He will take out his measuring stick and measure you. I think the LORD has spoke out on this before with those 10 thing not to do or do. You better measure well for the LORD will use that same stick on you. The last thing on this earth I would want to see is the LORD measuring me with a stick that I have measure someone else with. LORD help you or me if this took place.
February 28th, 2010 at 1:18 pm
Again with something that will or might be of a good thought.
There was a single lady with 2 kids and the church put her out or what ever you call it and she remarried later on to fellow with a good mount of money. It was about 40 miles to the church and she could not aford the money to travel to and from the church. Also she did not have any money. She got throwed out for leaving her husband for beating up on her.
The fellow who she remarried to the owner the church they was lease from and when the lease come due, He doubled the Lease and told them pay it or get out. They got out but about 2 year they was back with the same fellow leasing to them for there was just not anything good enought to fit their need. he was ask several time andeven 2 other preachers in the area about it seemed too much for that lease and h e would tell them to go ask his wife why it was so high.
There is a good ideal here and that is know who owns the building your standing before you turn your back on them.
March 1st, 2010 at 6:33 pm
Wow, great article. I was D’d when I was 17 and shunned by my parents. I remember seeing my Mom @ the grocery and she walked right past me and another time running into my parents (with a service group) at a restaurant and they didn’t even acknowledge me. I did end up going back so that they could again be a part of my life. I faded out 2 years later and it has been a good 8 years now that I have been completely inactive. My parents have come around a little since they now have grandchildren. I am lucky to have a wonderful family of my own that supports me. I burried a lot of the feelings and emotional damage from being shunned and am just starting to deal with it. I feel bad for anyone that has went through it or is going through it. I wouldn’t wish it upon anyone.
March 4th, 2010 at 3:43 pm
Good article!
I am so grateful that YHWH, God Almighty, is more forgiving than men. When I cry out in my heart to Him, ‘I repent,’ He has taken me back again and again – daily, if necessary – until I have finally understood His wonderful and boundless love that He has for me and I also know that it is something no man (including an elder of Jehovah’s Witnesses) can ever take away from me, as only God Himself can see my heart that I have for Him, His Son, and His Word.
I believe there are many in that religion that fail to understand this…
That’s a pity. They will be judged as they have judged others.